*LadyBlackmour

This entry is mostly to get the ickiness off my front page. I just didn't want it to be there anymore, cause I didn't want to see it when I came here. All my friends have been very supportive, and I still feel very sad sometimes...much of the time...but, I am getting along. I went riding today with my sister, and that is very nice. My oldest friend came over last night and we commiserated over Bacardi Watermelon and Kalhua White Russians (Which, btw, are like the best things ever...except for the Blackmour Dragon, which was invented by myself and my dear friend the EarthDragonette, and which involves Godiva Liqueur). Anyway. I'm getting through. Kingdom Hearts 2 helps. ^^

I am in:

Last night, Andy broke up with me.

Honestly, I didn't know what to make of it. It seemingly came out of nowhere. Earlier that day, he had called me and told me that his boss was out of town until Tuesday, and that I should come to his work and hang out that afternoon. I asked him if he wanted to go on a double date with my friend Katie and her boyfriend Paul, and he said yes. That night, I got off work late, and I had had a bad day, and I was in a bad mood. I was pretty snarky at him, but then I felt bad and I told him I was sorry and I was wrong. But when I met him at my house, he couldn't seem to let it go. He said he wasn't angry, but he was acting so distant.

And then, as he was leaving, he said, "I'm leaving, and I don't know if I'm coming back."

He said, "I think you love me more than I love you. I love you and I care about you, but you're not the one for me."

The horrible thing was, he didn't change how he acted towards me at all. I was devastated, I hadn't seen this coming at all. And suddenly, he's telling me he doesn't want to be with me, and this has been on his mind for a while. I told him I didn't think it was fair for him to voice these concerns now for the first time, without giving me the chance to try to work through them, as couples should do, but he wouldn't relent. And yet, he's holding me and kissing my forehead the same way he would if we were together and I was sad because my dog died. He's telling me he loves me and cares about me. And I don't know what it means. I can't understand why, if that's true, he can't at least give us the chance to work through things.

I find myself at a loss now...this relationship encompasses more than five years of my life. He's so deeply entwined with my life than I am not sure how to even begin to move on. He's all around my house. So many of the things I enjoy, we used to enjoy together. I feel like threads from my life are caught with him, and it's unraveling as he walks away from me. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was one of my *best* friends. We were friends before we were anything more, and I don't want to give up the friendship almost as much as I don't want to give up the companionship, but I don't know what will hurt more: being with him and *not* being with him, or just being without him completely.

Another thing that makes it hard is that he did this once before, a *long* time ago, when we were 18. He'd been holding stuff inside, and then suddenly he just broke up with me. And then a week later, he came back to me in tears. I think if a stupid, tiny part of me weren't hoping that that will happen again, I could move on all that much quicker.

My best friend Julie says take it one day at a time, and I'll have to try. It's hard because there are so many things around me that remind me of him, and I'll think I'm okay, and then suddenly I'll see something dumb, like the Samurai Deeper Kyo manga, which he liked so much (more than me, really), and I'll think about him. And then my stomach hurts and I want to cry. None of my normal comforts could help me last night, because most of them just made me feel lonely and unloved. It's stupid, but I feel like no one's gonna love me again, because I'm not beautiful the way that people want. I'm not thin and shapely. I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to tell people we're not together. I don't want people to ask me about him and have to tell them we broke up.

One day at a time. The first day is scary already.

I am in:

I'm feeling really down right now. I think it's largely because I auditioned for this play early in the week, and I didn't get in. Which happens. Lord knows it's happened to me plenty of times. But, I dunno, I'm still feeling kinda low about my ability and whatnot. I think it makes it harder when you are up against fewer other actors. Like, for example, there were only three other women trying out for the same role as me. And then there were two possible roles I could have gotten, and I got neither. I think it's really because I was not as well suited, and not just because I suck out loud, but sometimes it's hard to remember that. Getting a roles is almost as much about luck as it is about talent, because most directors will take into account things like how you look and sound, etc...so when it seems like theoretically your chances of getting in should be higher by the luck factor, it's easier to feel bad about the talent part. Meh. Oh well. If I can get through all the icky this week, I think I'll feel much better.

I am in:

I am so frustrated with this whole yaoi thing right now. (Yaoi is not the same as shounen-ai, so don't get all on me. Yaoi=random teh buttzex for the weird pleasure of the artist or author and those who read or look. Shounen-ai actually has the word *love* in it...so its cool. I can actually enjoy me some good shounen-ai). The worst thing is incest yaoi. That is DISGUSTING. And morally HORRIBLE. And the worst part about THAT is that if you say you *don't like it*, the people that do it get all on you, as if you are somehow so completely wrong. My favourite thing is the "You're just so closed minded" accusation. I am fully aware of the don't like, don't read disclaimer, and I follow it, but sometimes I stumble across it by accident.

Like today. Looking for pretty pictures of KH2 Riku, and accidentally stumble across the thumbnail for a fanart of "Riku and Sora's baby" and it's just that! A baby which somehow apparently came from the collective sperm of two male characters.

TWO MEN CANNOT REPRODUCE. I think this is about the dumbest thing in the universe. In a way, it actually offends me more than incest...*ALMOST*...just because it's like...I dunno...it's probably the biology student in me crying out in anguish.

I mean, yes, there are *examples* in nature of two females reproducing...but just to make sure we get that out of the way...they're not really actually mating with each other and reproducing. They are simply making babies from their eggs, with no sperm. I have studied this for sometime in genetics.

Ugh.

All right, sorry. Needed a rant. Please do not flame me for this if you enjoy incest or mpreg. Because I will not care.

I am in:

Yes, I am not dead. I am merely being eaten by both school and apathy. When I'm in school, I am working. Once I'm not in school, my brain protests quite vigorously if I ask it to do anything else.

However.

I am working on a lemon for Sephiroth and Arianna, set in the Heir To My World universe...at this point I can't be sure if it will make it into the story proper, or if it will simply end up being sort of AU outside the timeline. I'm *really* hoping I can get it to fit, but of course, that's not just up to me, it's also up to my co-author. So.

I also want to write down my thoughts on Yu Watase heros, which I had today after reading the new chapter of Zettai Kareshi/Absolute Boyfriend and the last volume of Imadoki. I think I may do that here, but not tonight, as tonight sleep is preferable. Hopefully tomorrow...

Though of course, no promises...otherwise I may just end up breaking them.

I am in: